Bums are cool. NYC bums are rad.

Seriously. If you’ve ever taken the time to talk to them you know what I mean. Sure the smell of shit and body odor make it hard to carry on conversation without gagging, and chances are they’re too fucked up on something to make any real sense. But talk to one for a minute and you realize that they are the most in tune sons of bitches you’ll ever meet. They know the city inside and out. Riding the subway all day long just because you’re bored and it was free will do that to you, I suppose. And they’re resilient survivalists. We complain when we have to walk in the rain. These mother fuckers sleep in it. Not to mention on the pavement while wearing everything they own or using it as a mattress depending on the season. My only question to them is why New York City? If I was a bum I’d pack up the proverbial bag on a stick and take someone else’s bike to Miami, or Mexico even. Somewhere that isn’t snot-freezing, gangrene inducing cold in the winter. Somewhere where there isn’t winter. Imagine: Florida, your grandparents walking the beach past some Schizo simulating oral sex with a conc shell screaming, “Jesus hates you!” Now that’s retirement. We’d miss them, though.

Here’s what a few bums (to be p.c: the housing and employment challenged) had to say about living in the Big City, or at least staying alive here:

"Got a smoke?"

[Kissing noises]

"The ting is you dunno, you know? You dunno what chu got until you lost it playing turkey crash banks on the boome dumb street war back in ‘78. Big fire down der and shit ass bitch fuck you din’t know it cause it was so cold, it was too danger e’rybody left and fuck shit ass piss bitch, no one knew. Day all gone still."

"New York is beautiful. Fuck LA."

"I make more money off the street here than I ever did working for the government."

"New York is alive. The street keeps you sustained, even if it’s sub zero weather and your dick's about to fall off it’s so cold, the city that keeps you alive."

"Because."

"If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. Whoever said that was right, but he was also making a fortune or else we wouldn’t be quoting him. If you can make it here without knowing where your next hand outs going to be then you really can make it anywhere. Now that’s true. But I wouldn’t want to do it anywhere else. Anywhere else isn’t as rewarding."

"Now why the fuck would I want to go to Miami?"